A Cry for Hope or of Desperation?

So, what would drive someone to start posting somewhat personal thoughts and feelings about an area of their life that seems to be out of control? Desperation? Maybe. Hope? Could be. All I know for sure is that I've got to do something. This never-ending roller coaster must stop.

It's sad. Every year I take time to reflect on the previous year and look forward to the next year. I'm goal oriented. I'm successful in most every area of my life to some degree or fashion. Mind you, my concept of success may not be the same as you, but it's my concept. So, for about 16 years I've been putting "lose weight" at the top of my goals for the new year. Lets see where that has gotten me:

• I weigh about 435 lbs.
• I think about what I can watch on tv so I can eat something. If there's nothing on, most likely I will not eat something.
• I can easily eat a medium pizza. Though I feel miserable and sick afterwards.
• I despise this part of myself.
• I avoid large crowds and places with lots of people like malls and stores.
• I can no longer sit at a regular booth in a restaurant, I have to ask for a table.
• I can't wear the seatbelt in my car.
• I have to order my clothes on-line.
• I'm only comfortable eating when other people aren't around.
• I'm still single.

Yea, I know...boo hoo...I was the one letting myself get this way. But part of me doesn't know how this happened. Sure, food has always been some form of reward. When you're goal oriented, and you achieve your goals, you celebrate. So what do you do if you don't drink or smoke? Well, I eat. But, at some point along the way I removed the barriers that said I should only eat certain things and avoid others. My tolerance level towards the effect of foods grew and required a larger variety and greater quantity to satisfy myself or bring some sort of gratification.

It was about 9 years ago when I started binge-eating. After a nice long week at the office, go to the store, get all the foods that simply appeal to you at site, rent some movies, go home and eat like there's no tomorrow. Then it became a nightly thing. Now, here I sit...morbidly obese. I qualify for all the different surguries. But...I just can't bring myself to seek an "easy-out" to achieve such a monumental goal. This has become the goal that defines me, yet I continue to make very little progress towards achieving.

So, this blog...a last ditch effort? Possibly. Friends have tried to "hold me accountable." It doesn't work for me. I either become bitter or start eating in secret and hiding food. Perhaps there are more of you out there that understand this...this...overwhelming angst. I struggle with hating myself. I often dislike (to put it mildly) the physical me. And regardless of what friends and loved-ones tell me, I will not find true contentment or a future life companion until I like myself. It just won't happen.

I'll have some pictures on here eventually. I'll write about the battle. The success and failure. If you think, "hey...you're a big cow...get over yourself." That's fine, that's what I think most of the time. Whatever you think, drop me a line. Let me know how you're doing at this thing called life.